If you haven’t worked it out already, I admit it I am slightly unhinged. I am one of those people that actively seeks out lyrics in music that relate to my current situation and listen to them on repeat. I am not going to lie, I feel like Taylor Swift is currently writing the soundtrack to my autobiographical film (due for release in 2032). As I sit in my bedroom with my IPod on loud, I sing at the top of my lungs for the whole of Yorkshire to hear, We are never ever, ever, getting back together (take that you bastard, that will show you) and I believe every single word…Well, I say I believe every single word, but all it takes is for me to write a melancholy Facebook status before said bastard realises I am at my lowest ebb, wheedles his way back in with nice messages and screws me over and we end up breaking up again. It’s a vicious circle.

Anyway… as I mentioned in my last blog, a number of my friends are going through the break up stage and I am a great believer in music being able to shape your mood. If you feel sad, listening to Mariah Carey isn’t going to stop you from crying into your pillow. If you are feeling giddy a bit of 911 Bodyshakin will cheer you up no end. As a result I have become the self proclaimed queen of the mix tape, achieving legendary status amongst me and my mind. Now to be fair making a mix tape is not as fun as the good old days, when there were actual tapes and you had to use the world’s smallest writing to write the name of the song onto the world’s narrowest line. Gone are the days of decorating the front cover with pictures and writing CLAIRE’S MIX TAPE in Word Art. No, the memory stick version doesn’t have the same visual satisfaction but without doubt has the same impact.

As the break up’s come thick and fast and I am having to duplicate more of the mix tapes, I am starting to feel like a Primark sweatshop worker. As a result I thought I would cheat blog the secrets of the mix tape so that my friends could create their own. Oh and it’s a week before pay day and I am starting to think buying food is essentially more important than buying a memory stick and being a good friend.

The general rule of thumb for a break up is that it takes half the time you went out with someone to get over them. During this time I have identified the 5 stages of a break up that must be completed and have thus created a playlist accordingly. The 5 stages are as follows:

1. Sadness

Non – Surprisingly this usually occurs at the very beginning of a break up – when adjusting to the idea that the one person that could make you feel better is the one person you are no longer allowed to talk too. This is the only stage in the break up process when wallowing is allowed, and the wallowing period is to be clearly defined by your nearest and dearest.

Song Suggestion: – Usher Burn

Lyric Highlights – What I’m trying to say is that I love you, I just I feel like this is coming to an end and its better for me to Let it go now than hold on and hurt you, I gotta let it burn

I once played this song for an entire summer when I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. That was until one day my Dad burst into my room shouting LET IT BURN USHER, LET IT FUCKING BURN, stopped the CD player and stormed out! I let it Burn after that….

2: Anger

The anger stage usually comes without warning. During this stage you will find yourself having arguments with yourself in the shower, on things you should have said or done coupled with thoughts on how you wish you had destroyed your ex’s property.

Song Suggestions :- Dirty Pretty things Bang Bang your dead, Kelis I hate you so much right now (song lyrics pretty self explanatory) Cheryl Cole, Screw You

Lyric Highlights – I never got your love, I loved you so much but you never gave a fuck, so screw you

Just out of interest how long after you’ve broken up with someone is it considered appropriate to throw their belongings into the river…..I’m asking for a friend…

3: Better off without you

Stage 3 is the process when you start to realise that you are actually better off on your own than with the useless piece of shit (Am I coming across too bitter?) This is when you start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Song Suggestions, Mcfly I’ll be ok, Kelly Clarkson Since you’ve been Gone

Lyric Highlights: Since you’ve been gone I can breathe for the first time, I’m so moving on….

During this stage you tend to wake up to all the odd behaviours you had previously ignored with your ex and work out what you want in future. I no longer want to date anyone that straightens their hair, owns cats or sleeps with a picture of their mum in their bed (separate people, all true stories)

4: I can do this shit on my own

Stage 4 is the beginning of the end, when you start to realise that being single might not actually be all that bad. It is also the time for the most clichéd of songs to sing with a hairbrush in the mirror.

Destiny’s Child Survivor, Pussycat Dolls I don’t need a man, Britney Spears Stonger

Lyric Highlights – You might think that I won’t make it on my own but now I m stronger than yesterday….

Suddenly, your friends can  trust you on facebook once again as you are no longer in danger of accidently friend requesting the ex’s new fancy piece. You can drink and keep your phone in sight and you are suddenly invited to things again because you’re not all psycho bitch.

5: Time to go to market

Stage 5 is when the wallowing the anger and bitterness comes to an end and life becomes about drinking, dancing and general debauchery. Time to get yourself back on the market so that you can endure the whole process all over again

Song Suggestions, Destiny’s Child, Independent Woman, Jason Derulo, Riding Solo

Lyric Highlights – Now I’m feeling how I should, never knew single could feel this good, Stop playing misunderstood, back in the game who knew I would,

For the record Jason Derulo songs should only ever be sung in a Yorkshire accent. It’s the rules. Try it.

Now I know that these songs are not to everyone’s* (anyone’s) taste, but creating a break up mix tape is simple if you follow the 5 stages of the break up. However if you are wanting to branch out on your own there are strict guidelines as to what is allowed and what isn’t. I have listed these below

Mix Tape Don’ts

Never include love songs – Unbreakable by Westlife or Whitney Houston Saving All my Love for you are a complete no no in the getting over the break up process.

Equally never include songs by James Blunt – They will only leave you positively suicidal

Disney Songs – Disney Films have already given you a misguided view on love as a child, don’t let it affect you into adulthood. Love is not all hearts, flowers and magical carpet rides. Love is a euphemism for habit mixed with arguments about who is going to put the bin out. Don’t prolong the agony with Disney.

Finally Never Ever Ever include a song that reminds you of your ex and the time you spent together. Delete it, bin it, have a ceremonial burning of it but never listen to it. That shit is never going to bring you back to the happy place.

I tried to get my friend to listen to the Mix tape last week. She said it was shit. She’s just not ready for the advice but when she is I’ll be there memory stick in hand ready to take her on her musical break up journey…..